Now that Donald Trump has been elected as the next president of the USA, it’s time to look at a few of the policies that we’re expecting from him in the coming term in office. Despite being denounced for his comments on women (something about them being from Mars and attracting sharks according to John down the chip shop), emigration (he’s torn between Australia and New Zealand, but can’t decide between Hobbits and Harold Bishop) and Vladimir Putin (our bet is that they’re waiting for the dust to settle before announcing the truth about their relationship), he has managed to beat Sandi Toksvig in a wheelbarrow race across the road opposite the White House, but what’ll he do next?!?
1. A wall??!? Really, really?
We think yes, but surely there’s more to it than little old Mexico. Surely it’s all just a pissing contest with China. Think your “great” wall is impressive? Oh, it’s the only man made object visible from space? Check out the size of my hard, greased-up and squirting wall of Mexican doom!
What’s that? You paid for yours yourself to keep out the attacking Hun? Pfuh, losers! We’re getting them to pay for it and you’ll be able to see it from Uranus!
2. New tag team champions of the world… Vladiquake and Trumpoon
The duo will be touring the world with WWE following four years of boring office life. Though they will have annulled the marriage by 2021, their mutual admiration will continue to hold no bounds – and pull no punches – as they face off against wrestling greats like The Legion Of Doom and The Bushwackers in a series of nostalgia matches to promote their arrival in the spandex-loving sport of kings.
3. Keeping all the borders up
In addition to the “Phenomenal Wall Of America”, it has been rumoured (again by chip shop John) that Donald will be hiring retired Cold War operatives from both sides of the former divide – a divide they’ll be healing with pillows full of love and adoration shortly.
The Cold Order Comrades, as they’ll be known, will be stationed at all borders throughout the US, including airports, and the bridge between the rubbish half of Niagara Falls on the American side and the cool bit on the Canadian side. They’ll be face-matching potential entrants to the country for their likeness to Osama Bin Laden, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and that guy from Short Circuit to identify possible national threats before ejecting them 40-miles out to sea in peddle-powered dinghies. If they survive then they’ll be branded a witch and burnt at the stake and if they fall to the powers of almighty Poseidon, then they’ll be pardoned and given a three gun salute from the nearest harbour.
4. Free the free trade off! Especially you China
Why give trade away, when you charge for it, right? And anyway, who needs good relationships with the neighbours anyway. Just because Trump has a thing for Harold Bishop, doesn’t mean that he’s willing to give the whole hippy trippy Aussie free love schtick a try. Needless to say, Mexican and Canadian imports are getting it with both barrels right up the bajingos, yar.
Don’t even get him started with China until there’s more of a wall based parity in place.
5. Cutting the cord on Cuba
Having sponsored a University of Nantucket research team to investigate the situation, it would appear that Donaldinho has come to the conclusion that Cuba is a floating island connected in place by a simple chain link. As soon as he steps foot in the White House he’ll be deploying a team of Navy Seals to cut it free and tow it out to the coast of Mauritania.
6. What did polar bears ever do for us anyway
Think about it. Just start from the top and work your way through history. Has a polar bear ever built a tower or married a Slovenian actress? Have they ever freed a skier from an avalanche or warmed a tobogganist with a lovely glass of Cognac? Equally, what’s the big deal if there are one or two less of them in the arctic tundra anyway! We get less horrific attacks on harp seals for a start, which should see their numbers flourish to compensate. Admittedly, that may have a knock-on impact on arctic fish stocks and other ecosystems, but the North Pole government needs to get off its own lazy arse and stop asking for handouts all the time.